The Heavenly Host (Demons of Astlan Book 2) Read online

  “He wants me to locate that demon lord that kidnapped the knight yesterday and set up a meeting between himself and the demon lord!” Estrebrius raised his hands in the air and shook them, as if crying out to a heaven that certainly was not there for him or any demon.

  “Oh, is that all?” Boggy shrugged. “Well, I’d have to admit that does seem sort of stupid, even for an accursed master. However, if that is all you need , my lad, I can set it up.”

  Estrebrius dropped his arms to the table and stared at Boggy as if Boggy had just gone insane as well.

  ~

  Tom, Rupert and Tizzy were sitting outside the cave while Tizzy regaled them with tales of his accursed masters. Suddenly Tizzy stopped his nearly continuous monologue, and his nose started twitching. In fact, it started twitching up, down, right, left, and then his face began scrunching and contorting in all sorts of weird and vaguely disturbing ways.

  “Tizzy? Are you okay?” Rupert asked, putting his hand on Tizzy’s upper shoulder.

  “IT’S LIKE BUTTAH!” Tizzy suddenly shrieked in his yenta voice. Rupert, having never heard this voice so up close and personal before, jumped so high he fell off the ledge and it took him a few seconds to fly back onto it. At that point, Tizzy had reared up on his rear legs and was sniffing in all sorts of directions as if trying to locate a scent. He really was quite tall when he stood all the way up, Tom reflected.

  “What is it?” Tom asked.

  “Well, it ain’t popcorn, but it’s gotta lotta buttah!” Tizzy said again in his yenta voice. Rupert looked at Tom with concern.

  Tom shrugged, and then he thought back to his own arrival. “Tizzy, are you saying that you smell a new arrival?” he asked, suppressing a belch. Even talking about butter made his indigestion act up.

  “Yes! Very strange… I did not see this one coming. New arrivals aren’t usually this frequent.” Tizzy shook his head, still sniffing. “I think you will want to come with me, Tom!” he said, sounding something like a yenta matchmaker.

  “We’ll all go!” Rupert said with excitement. “What’s a new arrival?” He was looking back and forth between the two demons.

  “Can’t you handle this on your own, Tizzy?” Tom asked. He did not want to take Rupert and have to explain what a new arrival was. That would complicate his own story.

  Tizzy scrunched his eyes and looked at Tom, then looked away and made other weird facial expressions. “Nope, think you need to come with me. Boggy’s not here and he normally goes with me.”

  Tom sighed, and then remembered Talarius sleeping in the cave. “Rupert, we can’t leave Talarius alone. If he wakes up and no one is around, he’s liable to do something crazy.”

  “So?” Rupert asked, realizing he was about to be stuck babysitting.

  “So I don’t need him freaking out any worse than he probably already is.” He really was not sure what the knight’s mental state was.

  “But I want to come with you guys!” Rupert complained.

  “I know, but we are getting stretched too thin. We have commitments to honor, which sort of happens when you kidnap someone. You become responsible for them and their safety. Plus other demons are probably looking for him; I need you to defend him if any of them show up!”

  “But he tried to kill you, and he did kill me!” Rupert complained. “Why do we care about his safety?”

  “Because we are the better people. We have honor and integrity. It’s what we do,” Tom told him sternly.

  Rupert frowned and made an annoyed face. “Okay, but don’t be gone too long! If a demon army shows up, I’m not going to be able to protect him.”

  Tom shook his head. “We shouldn’t be more than a couple hours, I hope.” He had no idea, but this would force them to limit the time. He really did not expect any demons to come looking for Talarius; only Antefalken, Boggy and Tizzy knew where he lived. It was not like any of them would be playing tour guide.

  ~

  Tizzy had taken off at nearly warp speed and Tom really had to work to keep up. It was amazing how fast that little demon could move when he was in a hurry. They quickly left the mountain range and then headed south, or at least what Tom thought of as south, over the giant plain with the pillars and fireballs. Within about fifteen minutes, they were crossing the Styx and continuing on. Tom really had no good sense of direction and was not quite sure how Tizzy knew where he was going. It was also odd that Tizzy could smell a new arrival from this many miles away.

  Within about half an hour of leaving the mountains, they were heading towards a somewhat squat, very wide pillar. It was more of a mesa, Tom guessed. The mesa was roughly three to four thousand feet above the ground and maybe half a mile to a mile across, depending on which direction you measured and where you were. It was not particularly oval or round in shape; it was more like a series of adjacent mountains that all had their tops sliced off at the level where they were still merged.

  On that mesa was a demon running around in circles, wildly swinging its arms and periodically yelling or making weird gestures. As his long-distance vision focused on the creature, Tom noted that it was a rather handsome demon. Mostly humanoid with dark burgundy skin, goat hooves of course, rather hairy lower legs. A tail more like a monkey’s; it seemed rather weirdly animated. Large bat wings, four arms with absolutely massive pectorals and tight abs. Holy crap —the demon’s junk was huge! The demon itself was probably no more than seven feet tall, but its male equipment was nearly as large as Tom’s. Which made it appear really big on the much-thinner demon.

  The demon also had a Van Dyke goatee and moustache, and a rather human face, albeit very chiseled, and rather interesting dreadlocks for hair. Overall quite handsome in some odd manner. As Tizzy and Tom landed, the demon had begun shouting again. He was marching the other way and had not noticed them.

  “Wake up, man! Wake up!” The demon was shouting, apparently to himself. “I want this trip to end. Now!” The demon pinched itself, and from where they were behind him, Tom guessed the demon had pinched one of its four nipples. “Aaaahhh… Fuck! Gotta not do that. Shit, I’m hard again. What’s up with that! Stop it, stop it… Goddamnit, this crazy-ass nightmare needs to end!”

  Tizzy gestured at Tom to interrupt the ranting demon. Tom shrugged and coughed loudly. The gesticulating demon stopped in its tracks and then slowly turned to face them. It then shrieked extremely loudly and fell over backwards. Tom frowned at the bizarre behavior.

  Tizzy shook his head. “Surprisingly, not an uncommon reaction.” He walked over to the demon and bent over at his lower waist to peer at his face. “He’s a pretty one, gotta give him that!” Tizzy stroked the demon’s chiseled jaw line with his upper right thumb. His lower right index finger had started tracing the outline of the demon’s lower left pectoral.

  “Are you going to wake him up or just stand there molesting him?” Tom asked.

  Tizzy shook his head suddenly and stood up. “Sorry… he’s an incubus. Has that sort of effect on people. Men, women, doesn’t matter.” Tizzy waved all four of his hands as if trying to shake off the spell. “I’m normally into the ladies, myself, but these incubi are something else.”

  “What is an incubus?” Tom asked.

  Tizzy shifted around to stare back at Tom. “You ever heard of a succubus?”

  “Uhm, yeah, a female demon who has sex with men and steals their strength, or their soul,” Tom replied.

  “Exactly. Succubi steal animus from men, typically, and sometimes from women so that they can combine it with the seed of a male demon and produce a child,” Tizzy explained.

  “Okay, and an incubus is like the male version?” Tom asked.

  “Exactly. They take the seed of a male demon and deposit in a female host to create a child,” Tizzy said.

  “They take the seed of a male demon? They don’t use their own?” Tom was puzzled.

  “Incubi and succubi are pure instruments of delivery and pleasure. Or well, actually, the succubi bear the children too, but they don�
��t use their own eggs or sperm; they are infertile. They use those of another demoness. Same for incubi,” Tizzy stated, staring down at the incubus again.

  “Okay, I know I’m going to regret asking this.” Tom knew he was, but hell… “Why wouldn’t a demon who wanted a baby just do it themselves? What’s with the middleman? Or middlewoman?”

  Tizzy turned back to Tom and beamed a bright smile at him while raising and lowering his eyebrows. “Many reasons: anonymity, size differences between the two parents, but the two most important ones are one, succubi and incubi are experts at pleasure and are really fun to play with; and two, more important from a political point of view, they are capable of having trans-planar sex!”

  Tom had to shake his head at that. “Trans-planar sex? You mean extradimensional sex?”

  Tizzy was grinning from ear to ear. “An even better way of putting it, they can receive or deliver their packages, so to speak, to the Planes of Men from the Astral Plane.” Tizzy was still making those crazy eyebrow motions as if he were revealing some wondrous surprise.

  “But why would you want to do that?” Tom asked.

  Tizzy shook his head and made a tisking noise at Tom. “Because the host demon can have a child with a human and not have to materialize or incarnate on that plane! In the case of an incubus, this results in a virgin birth, which is always impressive to mortals. They also do not have to kill a bunch of people to get at their target. They can find and make love to their target in the target’s sleep, while they are dreaming. Very few humans have any defense from an attack like that!”

  Tizzy started pacing as he talked. “In particular, if a demoness wants a baby with a powerful king or a wizard, there’s not a lot that can stop a succubus. Their magical seduction spells are highly sophisticated and work between the Astral Plane and the Planes of Men, and are very strong against sleeping targets. Same with an incubus and a virgin bride!” He was going around in circles waving his arms and looking more than a little lecherous, if Tom thought about it. “Most kings protect their daughters’ virginity as a precious treasure. An incubus can easily screw over plans for a royal wedding by impregnating a virgin locked in a tower!”

  “Okay, you’ve convinced me,” Tom said, laughing. “You have convinced me.”

  Tizzy stopped and raised his index finger. “Plus! And this is big— it takes a lot of mana for a demon to incarnate on a plane or to open a gateway. On mana-poor planes, like many of the technology planes—the ‘Earths’ for example —getting the mana together for demons to incarnate on the plane requires a lot of work and effort. However, if you can impregnate people on Earth with half-demon babies, then you have a foothold on those planes. You can create a new demon on a low-mana plane by letting nature do all the work. And your half-demon babies, once grown, can collect the necessary animus and mana to open a gateway or summon their parents.”

  “Whoa.” Tom shook his head. This explained a lot. Or at least it explained Rosemary’s Baby and similar stories and legends.

  “Uggh… would you figments shut up? I’m trying to wake up and you keep babbling on about crazy shit!” the incubus complained from the ground. His eyes were still closed; he brought his right upper arm up and covered his eyes with his forearm. His lower left hand reached down and scratched underneath his privates. Tom frowned at the crude behavior and grimaced even more when the demon started stroking itself.

  “Do you mind not playing with your junk in public?” Tom asked. He supposed it was a bit hypocritical, since he ran around with his junk hanging out all the time, but he did not play with it or anything like that.

  “Shit!” The demon pulled his lower hand away and sat up, his eyes going up and down to take in Tom’s height. He then looked over to Tizzy. “Sorry, I just can’t help myself.” He kept glancing back and forth between Tom and Tizzy.

  Tizzy was nodding. “They can’t help themselves, they’ve got the equivalent hormones of a fifteen-year-old boy, and then some.” The incubus frowned at Tizzy.

  “Are you talking about me?” he asked Tizzy.

  “You are the only incubus around here.” Tizzy gestured in various directions around the mesa.

  “An incubus? What’s an incubus?”

  Tizzy shook his head. “I don’t think you were asleep, you had to hear my explanation. Do I have to repeat myself?”

  “No!” Tom interjected a bit loudly. The whole idea rather creeped him out; he did not want to rehash it.

  “You mean some sort of demon sex fiend? Me?” the incubus asked. Tom nodded.

  “Yes, you.” Tizzy folded his upper arms across his chest. “Although I don’t think you’re a fiend. I’m guessing you’re more of a class three, which would make you a major demon.” Tizzy unfolded his arms and tilted his head to the sky, closing one eye and staring upward. The incubus was just staring at the octopodal demon.

  Tizzy grimaced, then put his pipe in his mouth and inhaled. Where did the pipe come from? Tom suddenly wondered. It was in his upper right hand, which had been empty not two seconds ago. Now it was lit and Tizzy was puffing out smoke clouds.

  The incubus’s nose twitched. “Hey, I know that smell!”

  Tizzy turned and glared at him. “No, you don’t.”

  “I sure as hell do. That’s that same funky shit I was smoking just before this whole dream started!”

  Tom raised his left eyebrow. Tizzy was smoking pot? He inhaled some of the smoke from the pipe; there was a definite smell to it, one he had smelled before. Had it been pot? He really did not know what weed smelled like. He had only tried it the one time, and what with all the craziness that ensued, he’d sort of forgotten what it smelled like.

  Tom turned back to the incubus. “Tell me what happened, what started this thing you think is a dream.”

  The incubus shook his head. “Well, it probably would help to talk it out. Maybe that will help me sort things out and wake up.”

  “You ain’t ever waking up, bud!” Tizzy snorted. “This is, was and always will be. Alpha, omega, beta and zeta. Done deal, no going back. You’ve been given the gift of eternal damnation! Live it up!” Tizzy stuck his pipe back in his mouth and started puffing heavily. He seemed very upset for some reason.

  “What’s his dysfunction?” the incubus asked.

  Tom shook his head. “We don’t have enough time to go into that. We’re only immortal.”

  The incubus shook his head again. “This is one crazy fucking trip!”

  “Okay, just tell us your story and then we’ll explain what’s going on,” Tom told the demon.

  “Shit, man, I just wanted to take a break from the hell of the last few weeks. I have been up shit creek with lawyers and police and all sorts of crazy crap. I finally got the DA off my back and not pressing charges. So while my parents went out to dinner, I headed up to my room and decided to relieve some tension.”

  “Relieve some tension?” Tom asked.

  “Yeah, you know.” He gestured to his privates. Tom grimaced and nodded. The guy had been going to jack off. The incubus shrugged. “Anyway, when I got into my secret stash box for my porn SD card, I found I still had one of those damn joints that had started this whole shit storm. So I decided, what the hell. I lit up, got mellow and started having some fun downtown.”

  Tom shook his head and rubbed his eyebrows. He was pretty sure where this was going.

  The incubus continued, “Well, the next thing you know I’m riding these incredible waves of pleasure, more intense than any previous session with pot or with myself. I sort of lose track of things and then there’s this big-ass sista with a huge set of badongas calling me to come make love to her.”

  Okay, Tom thought, this wasn’t quite what he had been expecting.

  “So I came over, and it was like a dream, you know, all clouds and funky colored lights and such, and anyway we started, you know, getting it on.” The incubus had started fondling itself again.

  Tom coughed and it stopped.

  “Yeah, sorry. Well anywa
y, I like, well, entered her and then the next thing you know there’s this searing pain and she’s shouting this crazy shit at the top of her lungs. I thought she was calling for the cops or about to go all voodoo on me or some shit, and then the next thing I know there’s this incredible, monstrous, all-consuming agony.” The incubus shuddered remembering it. “And this creepy blackish-red dude with wings and four arms sort of jumps me or… I don’t know, it was weird.”

  The incubus stood up and started pacing. “Anyway, all I know is I’m lying in some strange-ass bed with all sorts of candles surrounding it and these weird glowing symbols on the floor and on the sheets. She hops out of bed to the other side of these symbols and starts shouting crazy stuff like: ‘You are mine Reginaldjacksonaustinkincaid!’ I bind you by you true name!”

  Tom stopped listening when the incubus said its true name. He could not believe it! What a fucking coincidence! What sweet, sweet justice!

  “And then”—the demon had kept going, not noticing Tom’s expression —“I’m here on this crazy mountain and like I am the freaky four-armed blackish-red guy.”

  “Reggie, you jackass, I’m going to kick your butt into the next plane!” Tom launched himself at Reggie, tackled him and started hitting him as fast as he could.

  “Ow… Ow… What the fuck man… What the fuck, that hurts! Stop it….” The demon was crying.

  Tom stopped, realizing what he was doing; the smaller demon did not have a chance. Tom shook his head and stood up, getting off Reggie.

  “I’m sorry, I’ve just been so pissed at you that I couldn’t help myself.” Tom reached down to help pull Reggie up.

  “What the fuck, man? I just met you.” The incubus wiped tears from its eyes. Apparently, incubi could cry. Tom felt like crap suddenly. What an asshole he was being. None of this was really Reggie’s fault, and now he was stuck just like Tom.

  Tom leaned in and gave Reggie a big hug. “I’m sorry man, it wasn’t cool of me. I was just so angry at you and then you show up, and I sort of went postal.”